A University of Washington study involving approximately 2,000 couples over a period of time revealed that during marital conflicts, men tend to withdraw 85 percent of the time. They retreat to their rooms, sit in their chairs, and patiently await the resolution of the situation. However, their wives perceive this behavior as an act of hostility.
The same study reveals that wives often criticize and complain during conflicts, which the husbands perceive as disrespect. Neither party is inherently wrong. The husband is usually trying to de-stress and prevent an argument from escalating. The woman want to talk because it’s one of her ways to decompress and express love. Both individuals are acting naturally, but they misinterpret each other’s actions.
Paul puts it plainly: "Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband" (Ephesians 5, verse 33). God created us in such a way that a woman’s primary need is to feel loved, while men’s is to feel respected. Consequently, when a wife feels unloved, her reaction may come across as disrespectful to her husband. Conversely, when a husband feels disrespected, his reaction might seem unloving to her. This creates a pattern of behavior that just goes round and round.
God's answer to this communication challenge is short enough to write down and hang on the refrigerator:
If the cycle can be reversed, there will be a lot more peace in our homes. Someone has to take the first step, and the Bible doesn’t say to wait for your spouse.
Peter tells husbands to "dwell with your wife according to knowledge" (1 Peter 3:7). The English Standard Version says to live with your wife in an understanding way. Here are a few questions for the men, Do you know your wife's favorite color? Her favorite flower? What makes her laugh, and what makes her cry? Donna's favorite movie is Gone with the Wind. I don't particularly like it but I've watched it several times with her just because I know she loves it. Do you like football? Maybe she should hang out with you during a game every now and then to just make the game better...
Dr. Vorce made this lesson come alive with his unique approach. Imagine a man returning home after a long day, feeling accomplished and grateful for providing for his wife and family. He settles into his recliner, flipping through channels, when his wife starts chatting. Dr. Vorce suggested turning off the TV for about fifteen or twenty minutes and giving her your full attention. In her mind she is saying, “I love you.” He shared with the group that the happiest moments in his marriage were the ones when he truly listened.
That message started in Proverbs 18:21: "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." Jimmy Evans said, "Your marriage will never be better than your mouth," and added that casual speech is dangerous speech. A harsh word spoken in the middle of a fight can sit in a spouse for years, even if you apologize later. Little hinges swing big doors.
We went deeper on that in the words you keep saying are shaping your life. For a picture of how this looks over decades, Dr. Vorce also wrote about the guardrails that have kept his own marriage safe for thirty six years.
It depends on the volatility of the situation. When you’re shouting at each other, no communication is happening. Dr. Vorce doesn’t scold men for walking away for a few minutes; he admits he's done it himself. The point is about how it’s perceived. A wife is likely to interpret walking away as hostility, so a husband needs to understand this and listen when possible, practicing Romans 12:8, "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men."
Dr. Vorce teaches that God's grace abounds to every repentant heart, and that he gives beauty for ashes. If that is where you are, read your marriage is not too broken for God to restore.
This week, choose one action and make it your priority. If you’re the husband, put down the remote and actively listen. If you’re the wife, find a moment during a challenging situation to say something respectful. Do this before your spouse does, and give it a chance to change the room.
If you want to build a home around the presence of God, you can get a free copy of Dr. Vorce's ebook, Presence Driven, at jonathanvorce.com.
Remember..."The Word Will Work, If You Work the Word."
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