Correct Your Child, Never Punish Them

Correct your child, but never punish your child. Dr. Vorce draws that line in a 2018 message on parenting, and it is worth looking at again. Punishing tries to hurt someone. Correcting is steering them toward a better way of thinking.

A Paddle, a Bible Verse, and a Boy Named Donovan

Dr. Vorce says he was a bit of a rascal in school. One day he got tired of being bullied by a kid named Donovan and, as he puts it, handled the problem. The principal saw it differently. Out came the paddle, plus 45 minutes of detention.

Then his mother called the school. She wanted him to spend that detention writing a bible verse about peace one hundred times. On the ride home she asked what he had learned from it. His answer: the verse says if it be possible, and nobody can get along with Donovan.

He tells it for a laugh, but look at what happened in that car. The school took care of the punishment but his mother used the afternoon to redirect him.

Teaching and Training are Two Different Things

Proverbs 22:6 reads, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Dr. Vorce stops on the word train. You cannot train a child without teaching them, but you can teach without training.

Teaching is handing over information. Training is releasing the child to go use it, and then being there if they mess up. He compares it to boot camp, which nobody loves but makes the soldier. His note on the verse is short: give them room to try, and give them permission to fail, them help them accelerate forward.

Why Correction is Not Punishment

A few verses later, Proverbs 22:15 says, "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him." Dr. Vorce reads that as a plain fact: when a child acts foolish, expect correction and discipline.

Then he pauses to say what that does not mean. Punishing is trying to hurt. Correcting is motivating in a direction that helps a child change their mindset. His rule: never discipline your child without a plan to help them turn the corner and see things the way they should.

Four Things Scripture Says About Talking to Your Kids

• Mean your yes and your no. Matthew 5:37 says, "let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay." If you are one way today and another way tomorrow, you build instability into your children. James 1:8 says a double minded man is "unstable in all his ways."
• Choose love over badgering. Dr. Vorce says love is a far stronger tool than condemnation. That does not mean you ignore sin. It means you do not nag a child into line, because badgering is really an attempt to manipulate. Ephesians 4:32 asks us to be "kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another."
• Say what builds up. Ephesians 4:29 asks for speech that is "good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers." Anybody can be critical, he says. Peacemaking is harder, but Matthew 5:9 attaches a blessing to it.
• Put on love on purpose. In Colossians 3:14, Paul says to put on charity, which is love. Dr. Vorce says you love your children because you choose to, no matter what they do or say.

When the Right Words Will Not Come

When nothing seems to work and your mind just circles, Dr. Vorce says to start speaking Scripture out loud. You cannot change a thought with another thought, only with words, so say something true and watch your mind follow. Some battles with kids, he adds, can only be met with the Lord's help, so quote Philippians 4:13. If you want to go deeper on that, read about how the words you keep saying shape your life.

Reading the seven steps in the anger you grew up with does not have to be the anger you pass down is a good place to start. And since children learn as much from your example as your instruction, your kids are watching what you do more than what you say pairs well with this one.

Pick one conversation with your child this week, and ask yourself whether it will hurt or help them turn the corner. 

You can download Dr. Vorce's free ebook, Presence Driven, at jonathanvorce.com.

Remember..."The Word Will Work, If You Work the Word."